When I am alone, I am me.
Somewhere inside of me I am me. When I am alone that is. However, when I am around other people, I am not me.
I don't know why.
I end up resenting the other people. It's not their fault I can't be comfortable around them, even if I live with them, I still feel the need to hide. This makes me think they are controlling me, being in charge of how I respond or feel, but in fact it could be my own doing all along.
I wish I could be myself more frequently. It's a much calmer place to be.
I have had a week to myself, for the first time in many years, and I feel refreshed. I feel like I would like to be a hermit, living far away from the judgement of others. I would certainly feel lonely, and miss out on some things, but I could continue my day to day life exactly as I chose to, without having to explain it to anyone, or argue about why I like to sit quietly and drink coffee in the morning instead of rushing around doing some household chore.
Sometimes I think there must be a person more suited to my personality than the partner I already have. Or would I just find another reason to resent them too?